Motherhood changed Soha Ali Khan in ways she never imagined. In a recent interview, Soha spoke at length about parenting, marriage, and the surprisingly difficult art of asking for help.

“I didn’t realise how much of a control freak I really am. When you have a child, lots of people are involved in bringing up that child. That’s when it really came to my attention that there was a problem. Because I have trouble delegating and I’m very much like, ‘I’ll fix it myself,’ the Rang De Basanti actor shared with Tweak India, adding: “So, I’ve recognised that and now I open up and I’ve understood that you should not have one person. You should have many people.”

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Dr Manasvi. M, Consultant Adult Psychiatrist, Maarga Mind Care, Bengaluru, says that for many mothers, asking for help with their children is genuinely complicated.

“They may be exhausted and want support, and still find themselves unable to hand anything over. Mothers who are achievement-oriented, highly organised and accustomed to managing things themselves often find shared caregiving the hardest thing to allow,” she tells indianexpress.com.

 

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According to her, such mothers usually hold very high personal standards and a strong sense of responsibility. They are used to planning ahead, anticipating problems and having things done in a particular way. “When help does arrive, the worry is not that the other person is incapable, but that they will do it differently — and ‘differently’ can feel unsafe when it concerns your child,” she tells indianexpress.com.

Dr Manasvi believes there is an emotional layer to this as well. “For some mothers, being the primary caregiver is closely tied to their sense of who they are. Accepting help can feel like an admission that they are not managing, which brings guilt and anxiety rather than relief,” she elaborates, adding that many describe feeling more anxious while someone else is handling things than they do when they are doing it all themselves.

She says that what helps is to separate control from responsibility, because a mother can remain responsible for her child’s wellbeing without personally managing every task.

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“In practice, this means handing over whole areas rather than individual instructions — bath time, the school run, one night feed — so the other person owns the outcome rather than waiting to be directed. Beginning with lower-stakes handovers, and accepting that something done reasonably well is good enough, makes this far easier to sustain,” she advises.

Finally, she says that it is worth paying attention when the difficulty in letting go goes beyond preference. “If a mother finds herself checking repeatedly, unable to sleep even when the child is being looked after, troubled by intrusive thoughts about harm coming to the child, or persistently low or irritable, that is not a personality trait,” says Dr Manasvi.

“Anxiety and depression in the postnatal period and beyond frequently present exactly this way, and they respond well to support. Speaking to a mental health professional at that stage is sensible rather than excessive,” she concludes.