Sameera Reddy has the nicest things to say about her 2006 film Vaaranam Aayiram co-star Suriya and recently recalled a cherished memory from when he and Jyotika were expecting their first child. “Jyotika was pregnant. And he was shopping for baby clothes. It was amazing. I wasn’t a mother then. But I could feel his….he was so happy…about being a dad…it was so cute…it was so cute to go shopping for your co-actor’s yet-to-be-born child. It’s amazing. I think that was the best experience for me. And we shopped a lot,” Reddy told JFW Binge in a candid interview.

Actor-couple Jyotika-Suriya had their first child, a daughter, Diya, in 2007.

It is a charming memory, but something much larger is hidden inside it. The baby had not yet arrived, yet a father was already psychologically making space for the child.

“We understandably speak extensively about a woman’s transition during pregnancy because she experiences it in her body. Hormonal and physical changes, medical appointments, scans, movements, discomfort, fear, and anticipation. A man’s transition into fatherhood is less visible, but it can begin long before he holds his child for the first time. Imagining the baby, talking about names, attending appointments where possible, learning about newborn care, preparing the home, thinking differently about finances or suddenly becoming fascinated by tiny clothes can all be part of developing a paternal identity,” reflected Delnna Rrajesh, psychotherapist and relationship breakthrough coach.

For generations, many men were raised with a sincere but comparatively narrow definition of good fatherhood: protect your family, provide for them, educate your children, and ensure that they lack nothing materially. “We should be careful not to diminish that model. Many fathers worked extraordinarily hard and expressed love through responsibility because that was the language of fatherhood available to them. Today, we have the opportunity to expand that definition rather than reject it. Children need provision, but they also need participation. They need a father who not only knows how much the school fees cost but also knows what is happening to the child at school. They need someone who can provide dinner and sometimes notice why their teenager has barely touched it. They need financial security, but they also need a father they can approach with failure, embarrassment, heartbreak and fear,” expressed Delnna.

Fatherhood is less spoken about

Modern fatherhood can therefore evolve from providing for the child, to participating in the child’s life, to truly knowing the child.

Story continues below this ad

Pregnancy offers an opportunity for that participation to begin. It can never be physically equal because the woman carries the bodily and medical realities of pregnancy and childbirth. “Equality does not require pretending otherwise. But the emotional and practical transition to parenthood can be shared. A partner can learn rather than wait to be informed, participate in decisions, attend important appointments where possible, understand what his partner may be experiencing and prepare himself for the realities that follow birth,” said Delnna.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by JFW Binge (@jfwbinge)

Before a baby arrives, therefore, there are conversations worth having that no shopping checklist usually contains:

What from our own childhoods do we want to repeat, and what do we consciously want to change?


What does being a good mother or father mean to each of us?


How will we share childcare as well as the invisible work of remembering, anticipating and planning?


When we are both exhausted, how will we recognise who needs the most support?


How will we handle careers, finances, childcare and each partner’s financial independence?


What role will grandparents and extended family have, and where might we need boundaries?


How was anger handled in our childhood homes, and what do we want our child to witness instead?


When one of us gets parenting wrong, can we correct each other without humiliation and repair with our child without ego?


How will we protect our identities as individuals and as a couple, not only as parents?

Parenthood requires sacrifice, but children can also benefit from watching adults maintain self-respect, health, friendships, purpose, boundaries, and aspirations. “A child can be one of the greatest loves of a parent’s life without being required to become the entire meaning of it,” shared Delnna.