When it comes to parenting, every mother has a different style. Gauahar Khan and content creator Aanam C recently sat down for a candid chat about all things motherhood on her podcast, Two Plus One Is Five, and the conversation gave us some interesting insights into the struggles of an Indian mother.

Aanam started by saying: “There’s so much pressure on women…older mothers are so much calmer and able to make better decisions. This is a very type A mom thing also, where we feel we need people to contribute but also we want to do it ourselves. After the first six months, I realised I was going crazy,” to which Khan agreed: “Yeah, totally. I have nannies, but I have taught them the ways I want them to get things done,” the actor added.

 

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Why do mothers struggle with accepting help?

Lavina Nanda, Head of Developmental Services at Children First, Delhi, says what looks like a mother’s difficulty in accepting help, is actually difficulty in trusting what help will mean for that person. “She’s a woman. She is a person carrying certain roles, responsibility, goals for herself. In general, motherhood comes with a lot of invisible labor, and often there’s difficulty with the entrenched idea of being a good mother.”

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“There is, of course, guilt that comes in, and these are often realized in our society as experiences, which other family members don’t entirely always resonate with,” she adds.

Thus, a mother experiences the pressure, without getting to complain about problems. “I also feel that for a lot of women, this is also shaped by a very deeply entrenched patriarchy and a long history of having their autonomy or choices questioned,” she adds.

“Health, therefore, often comes at a cost, which is going to be about advice and judgments and lots of scrutiny of the expectation that the mother is responsible for managing. Therefore, it can be very lonely to seek help. And it’s not even easy for people who are taking help,” she further elaborates.

That also comes with a lot of judgment, as Nanda explains that it is seen as “a parent who cannot do it on her own”.

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What helps?

According to her, genuine help is not about taking over or correcting or evaluating her. “It’s about creating a safe space or a community where she can actually ask and receive. Not just be seen as a contributing person, but as the one actually shaping so many things for a child in a family,” she adds.

Nanda reiterates that it is really important for that space to exist. “This cannot be about another mental load or another task for a mother that we put on them — that now you need to learn how to accept help.”

“Partners and families and workplaces and places in the community all need to have a role in creating a space where mothers experience the support, and the fact that they are valued even beyond just the caregiving role,” she concludes.