Behind the word “disconnect” lies an experience thousands of families understand intimately, psychotherapist and relationship breakthrough coach Delnna Rrajesh said. “Divorce, separation, custody arrangements, legal difficulties, migration and circumstances beyond a child’s control can sometimes physically separate a parent and child for years. We often discuss separation through the couple’s experience: the marriage ended, custody was decided, homes changed. But for a child, something entirely different has happened. The relationship ended between two adults; the child’s family changed without the child ever choosing it. This is where we need greater psychological sensitivity. Custody determines where a child primarily lives and who has particular legal responsibilities; it does not, by itself, measure the depth of a parent’s love or the child’s attachment,” shared Delnna.

Story continues below.
Subscribe to see fewer ads.

And everyday life matters enormously. “Parenthood is not built only through birthdays, holidays and milestone photographs. It is built through school mornings, forgotten water bottles, fevers at midnight, homework, arguments about bedtime, car journeys, teenage moods and conversations that happen unexpectedly over dinner. When a parent and child are separated, these moments disappear. They may still love each other deeply while simultaneously grieving a relationship they are unable to fully live,” Delnna told indianexpress.com.

Psychology has a useful concept for some experiences of unresolved absence: ambiguous loss. “Unlike bereavement, where the loss itself is clear, ambiguous loss can involve someone who is still alive and emotionally significant but unavailable in the way they once were or are needed to be. In parent-child separation, the circumstances vary enormously and the concept will not describe every family, but it helps us understand why the grief can be so difficult to articulate. Nobody has died. Yet something precious may still have been lost,” said Delnna.

Here’s what you should consider

Reconciliation often becomes difficult when the parent begins by trying to correct history.

That is why the goal shouldn’t be to recover the lost years. The healthier task is to build the relationship that is possible now.

Story continues below this ad

We cannot retrieve childhood. “We cannot attend yesterday’s school function, wipe yesterday’s tears or recreate yesterday’s birthdays. But love does not belong only to the years that were lost. Where there is safety, accountability and willingness, it can also belong to the years that remain. A relationship can have a painful history without being sentenced to a painful future. Sometimes reconciliation is not about getting the past back at all. It is about refusing to let the years already lost take away the years two people may still have,” said Delnna.