Shahana Goswami, 40, recently revealed what drew her to actor Milind Soman as a schoolgirl. “I was 16-17. I was still in school when I wrote to Milind. Destiny had to play out…because why was I even attracted to this person? I am thinking… he is a crush… why did he write back to me… he doesn’t know… he doesn’t usually write back to fans. Why he chose to write back to me…he doesn’t know…why we had six-year-long communication…just messaging…there was no flirtation in that…there was a lot of respect….there was fondness…he was very sweet to me, but there was never a romantic feeling there from his side…I, of course, expressed my love for him in that way…” she said during an interview.

Goswami told Rediff Movies, “Over a period of time…it was like a friendship…What I was attracted to was his mind…Initially I thought I was attracted to the person I saw…but what really drew me into him was the kind of exchanges we had.”

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Drawing from her candid recollection, Delnna Rrajesh, psychotherapist and relationship breakthrough coach, said that the most interesting part of her recollection was not physical attraction. “It was almost the opposite. Their connection, she said, began through writing to each other. For years, there was no romance or flirtation. There was friendship, kindness and conversation. What attracted her, she recalled, was his mind, far beyond the physical. And underlying it all was something relationships sometimes underestimate until it disappears: respect.

We speak extensively about chemistry in love. We ask whether there was an instant spark, whether someone gave us butterflies, whether attraction was immediate. But perhaps one of the more important questions when choosing a partner is quieter: Do I respect this person? Attraction can make us want someone. Respect makes us value who they are,” Delnna told indianexpress.com.

Here’s what you should consider

Character often shows up in less strategic moments. “Watch how someone behaves when there is nothing to gain. How do they speak to service staff? How do they describe an ex-partner who is no longer useful to them? What happens when you say no? How do they behave when disappointed, tired or contradicted? Are they still respectful when charm no longer produces the outcome they wanted? Kindness is most revealing when it is not transactional.”

Another element in Shahana’s story feels particularly relevant today: their connection developed slowly through communication.

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“We now live in an age of extraordinary access. Two people can meet today and, within hours, scroll through years of each other’s lives. Within days, they may have exchanged hundreds of messages, photographs, personal histories and intimate disclosures. But access is not intimacy. Knowing someone’s favourite food, childhood stories and relationship history does not necessarily mean knowing their character. Information can be exchanged instantly. Trust cannot. Trust develops through patterns,” shared Delnna.

That doesn’t mean friendship-first relationships are inherently healthier; many deeply fulfilling relationships begin with immediate romantic attraction. Perhaps modern dating does not need less attraction. It needs a broader definition of attraction. Notice the face, certainly.

Notice the chemistry. But also notice the mind. “Notice the character. Notice how they handle your boundaries. Notice how they treat people when nobody important is watching. Notice whether their kindness survives disappointment. Notice whether respect remains present during disagreement. Because butterflies can tell you that someone excites you. They cannot tell you whether someone is good for you.”