Parenting is rarely a balanced task, and many households operate with an uneven distribution of responsibilities — often without realising it. A new trending term, ‘passenger parent,’ is shedding light on this dynamic, especially in heterosexual relationships where mothers are more likely to take the lead in child-rearing decisions while fathers remain on the sidelines.

Coined by public health expert Norma Barrett, the term describes a situation where one parent — typically the father — is present but not fully involved in parenting responsibilities or decisions. But over time, this driver-passenger setup can create emotional distance, frustration, and even burnout — especially for the parent taking on most of the load. 

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So, how do you know if your household is falling into this pattern?

Counselling psychologist Athul Raj tells indianexpress.com, “You usually don’t realise you’ve slipped into this dynamic until it starts hurting. One parent just slowly starts doing more — not out of control, but out of habit. Out of need.”

The signs show up in quiet places. One parent starts to feel invisible — like they’re always playing catch-up. The other feels stretched, silently resentful, but doesn’t ask for help because they don’t want to micromanage. Conversations get transactional. Conflict often manifests through silence, sarcasm, or a subtle disconnection during family time.

Emotionally, the child senses the unevenness, adds Raj. “Kids are tuned into presence — they notice who shows up when they’re sick, scared, or overwhelmed. They might form a tighter bond with one parent and feel less seen by the other, even if nothing is said aloud.”

The greater danger isn’t just inequality. It’s a disconnection. Parenting becomes a performance rather than a shared experience. The relationship suffers. You start parenting together, side by side, instead of separately.

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Practical steps a less-involved parent can take to move from being a ‘passenger’ to an equal co-parent

Raj stresses, “First, drop the idea that you have to know everything to start showing up. Parenting isn’t about expertise — it’s about presence. You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be here, now. If you’ve been sidelined — or feel that way — say it, not as an accusation, but as an opening. Then start with one thing. School drop-offs, meal planning, bedtime reading.”

Get curious. Learn their routines, quirks, and moods. Be available not only for tasks but for moments — the ones without outcomes. Sit with them while they draw, play, and cry. Those are the things that build trust. You’ll likely face resistance — from your partner, your child, even yourself. Your partner might struggle to let go of control. Your child might not warm up immediately. You might feel awkward, unsure. That’s okay. Keep showing up. Let it be messy.

“Also, don’t wait for appreciation. This isn’t about being ‘helpful’ — it’s about being a parent. Your child might not say thank you. Your partner might not always notice the shift immediately. But you will. You’ll feel the difference — in how your child leans into you, in how you see yourself,” concludes the expert.